If
by AsTheSun
Summary: Life is full of infinite possibilities. What if you noticed something instead of missing it or said something instead of keeping it inside. These are the moments in Panem where something was different. A series of short stories inspired by the music of If/Then that show glimpses of the road not traveled in the source material.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: The first part in an unplanned set of short stories. I recently listened to the soundtrack for If/Then, which is a new musical starring Idina Menzel (she sings Let It Go in Frozen). The show is based around the two paths a woman named Elizabeth could take in her life. A number of the songs reminded me of The Hunger Games for some reason. As a kind of writing challenge, I'm going to combine the two. This will be a collection of short stories inspired by certain songs that will show the path not taken in the original books. This scene is based off of "You Don't Need To Love Me" sung by Anthony Rapp, if anyone's curious. You can find it on youtube.

I tend to over-analyze my writing until I talk myself out of posting it. I'll be posting these stories shortly after finishing them. I'll likely borrow lines and bits from the books and then veer off from there. Enjoy!

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"Peeta, how come I never know when you're having a nightmare?" I say.

"I don't know. I don't think I cry out or thrash around or anything. I just come to, paralyzed with terror," he says.

"You should wake me," I say, thinking about how I can interrupt his sleep two or three times on a bad night. About how long it can take to calm me down.

"It's not necessary. My nightmares are usually about losing you," he says. "I'm okay once I realize you're here."

Peeta makes comments like this in such an offhand way, and it's like being hit in the gut. He's only answering my question honestly. He's not pressing me to reply in kind, to make any declaration of love. But I still feel awful, as if I've been using him in some terrible way. Have I? I don't know. I only know that for the first time, I feel immoral about him being here in my bed. Which is ironic since we're officially engaged now.

In his usual way, he seems to know what I'm thinking. Before him, I used to think I was so good at containing my feelings. He continues to gently brush his fingers over my hair and forehead, "I don't say things like that to make you feel bad. I know it's not the same for you."

"I know. I asked. I just feel, I don't know, guilty?" I say, looking away from him, "Like maybe I'm using you."

"I think the word you're looking for is 'protecting'. You're protecting me." He says, teasingly, "We protect each other."

I don't really know what to say to that, so I don't say anything. Peeta's fingers pause in my hair and he lets out a little sigh. We're so close, still laying in bed, that I can feel his breath ruffle my hair. His finger turns my chin back up so I'm looking at him again.

"I prefer this. We're honest this way. I don't need you to make me any promises." He says, "I was more angry after the last games. I felt used then. It took some time to realize that you had saved me. Together we did something that has never happened before, two victors from the same games. I'm just glad that things are better between us. I can't imagine losing you."

I nod and I can't fight a smile when Peeta's hands go back to playing with my hair. The silence between us is much more comfortable. I'm surprised when Peeta keeps speaking. I didn't realize he had more to say.

"It might be better that you don't need me." He says, an odd chuckle in his voice, "If you needed me, you'd feel suffocated. You wouldn't be able to work with me to try and survive this. This way, we can be self-reliant and yet together - a team. You'll always have me when you need me, but it won't bother you that I won't walk away from this because you'll be able to."

"I won't walk away from this either. You have me too, you know." I say, realizing that he has yet to say anything about what he's getting out of the deal besides his life, "If you need me to lean on, I'm here. I know it's not love, but it's something."

"It's more than something, Katniss." He says, laughing, "It's good to know that there's someone always there when things get tough. It's one of the only things that makes me feel safe anymore."

Safe. Honest. A team. It all sounds so unappealing after the passion he showed during the Games. I know it's what I wanted. I don't love him the way he loves me and I can't pretend that I do to make him feel better. I respect him too much to lie to him. Somehow, I think he understands that. Maybe that's why he's so okay with this now.

"It will all be worse when we're home." Peeta admits, "It's so lonely in that house."

"We might be lonely, but we don't have to be apart again." I say, feeling for the first time that I've said the right thing for a change.

His smile is so like the one I saw the first time we were together again after the Games that I think my heart actually skips a beat. It's the first time that Peeta has looked like Peeta since the last time we were on the train. I'm more relieved than I care to admit. I was afraid that I had killed that Peeta by telling him the truth. This is the boy who threw me two small loaves of bread that saved my family, the boy who took a beating to do so. He's the boy I've always wanted to thank. In my way, I think I am.

I'm surprised when he rolls me onto my back and presses a kiss to my forehead, "This is what I've wanted. You don't need to love me to let me help you through this. Let me do that. That's what I need. We'll get married in the Capitol, but I'll never expect you to give me your heart. I can't break it then. We can make this work for us, Katniss. We can make it something good."

Another first, Peeta's words don't fill me with comfort. Something about them makes me feel ill. I open my mouth to say something, I'm not even sure what. Maybe I should be glad that he presses his finger to my lips to keep me from speaking, but I'm not, "Remember, I don't need you to make me any promises."

He so sure that my answer is never. It's like the opposite side of Gale's coin. Gale seemed sure that there was something between us and that I'd eventually realize it, too. It's almost like they both expect me to never change my mind. If I've learned anything from being a tribute and then a victor, it's that nothing in life is absolute. There are a number of decisions that I made when I was younger that have since been taken out of my hands. I took all the tesserae for our family so Prim's name would never be drawn, but her first reaping Effie picked Prim's slip. I was never going to marry, but the ring on my finger says otherwise. Just because I don't love Peeta with the same devotion he has for me, doesn't mean I never will. It seems unlikely that I'll have a choice, since I will be Missus Mellark in almost no time.

Of course, I can't say any of those things to him now. I doubt I could ever say those things to him. Instead, I grab his hand and pull it away from my mouth, "Peeta. Let's just take this one step at a time, okay?"

His blue eyes go wide. I don't know what those words mean to him, but I can see that they've made an impression. Thankfully, he only nods and says, "Okay. One step at a time."

"Some of those steps better be towards the dining car or I'm going to let Effie come get you like she's been threatening since she first heard your voices."

We both startle at the sound of Haymitch's voice outside of the door. I can practically hear the smile in his voice. I growl out an obscenity or two under my breath, making Peeta chuckle. He sits up, stretching and replies, "Alright, Haymitch, we're coming. Katniss just needs to figure out where I tossed her pants last night."

"Peeta!" I cry, hitting him with my pillow. I know that my cheeks are bright red.

Haymitch's uproarious laughter echoes down the hall. Peeta pulls my pillow out of my hands and climbs over me to get off the bed. He's taken to leaving a few changes of clothes in a drawer in my room so he can change without going to his own room. I busy myself with making the bed as he changes, giving him privacy that he doesn't seem to care about.

I realize that if the rest of my mornings were like this one, it wouldn't be so terrible. It might not be what I wanted, but like Haymitch says, I could have done much worse than Peeta. He catches my eye as he rolls the door to my room open and gives me a smile that warms me to my toes. Much worse, I agree silently in my head. For the first time in months, I think that things might be okay.


	2. Chapter 2

"Well, it won't be an issue much longer. I think it's unlikely all three of us will be alive at the end of the war. And if we are, I guess it's Katniss's problem. Who to choose." Gale yawns. "We should get some sleep."

"Yeah." I hear Peeta's handcuffs slide down the support as he settles in. "I wonder how she'll make up her mind."

"Oh, that I do know." I can just catch Gale's last words through the layer of fur. "Katniss will pick whoever she thinks she can't survive without."

A chill runs through me. Am I really that cold and calculating? Gale didn't say, "Katniss will pick whoever it will break her heart to give up," or even, "whoever she can't live without." Those would have implied I was motivated by a kind of passion. But my best friend predicts I will choose the person who I think I "can't survive without." There's not the least indication that love, or desire, or even compatibility will sway me. I'll just conduct an unfeeling assessment of what my potential mates can offer me. As if in the end, it will be the question of whether a baker or a hunter will extend my longevity the most. It's a horrible thing for Gale to say, for Peeta not to refute. Especially when every emotion I have has been taken and exploited by the Capitol or the rebels. At the moment, the choice would be simple. I can survive just fine without either of them.

The anger settles in my chest and I know I won't be sleeping any time soon. Honestly, I wonder how either of them can stand to think about the romantic "us" while we're hiding under a shop at the mercy of one of Plutarch's Capitol contacts... especially considering the fact that we just lost so many people. It's the same feeling I had when I tried to explain to Gale that I couldn't even start to think of love and children after the Victory Tour. Maybe if I wasn't so scared all the time, I'd be able to be less cold.

When I hear Gale turn over and let out a sigh, I know that he's awake. I recognize Peeta's even breathing above everyone else. He's asleep, at least. I had planned not to say anything to either of those idiots until I had to, but my anger got the better of my brain, "I don't think that was exactly complimentary, Gale."

I could hear him jerk as he startles at the sound of my voice, "Damnit, Catnip."

"Sorry." I say softly. My tone couldn't be less sincere if I tried.

"So you were listening?" Gale asks, his own voice hushed so he doesn't disturb the rest of the squad. Honestly, everyone's so exhausted I doubt anything short of a bomb would wake them up.

I roll over so I can look at him, "I couldn't help it. I heard you two talking and it woke me up."

"I guess it wasn't exactly nice." He says, giving me a small smile, "Sorry. Was I really wrong though?"

"Well when the time comes, I guess I'll make a couple of lists weighing the pros and cons of the tortured victor/baker against the hunter/miner/rebel who's an ass. At least Peeta has a reason to think so badly of me, he was reprogrammed by the Capitol to hate me."

I can hear him groan, "Katniss..."

I roll my eyes and turn my face away from him, "Just shut up."

There's silence between us again for a few minutes. Just when I'm sure that he's finally gone to sleep, he says, "I guess I'm just angry because I already know who you'll choose. I think it was always going to be him. The day he threw you that bread, you were all his."

"I'm so glad you know my brain better than I do." I mutter, trying to ignore his words. I'm really not ready to deal with any thoughts like that.

"I've given it more thought than I probably should have." Gale lets out a sad chuckle, "If the two of you had never been Reaped, I think that he would have eventually gotten up the nerve to talk to you. Probably would have taken over the trading from his dad just to do it. Once he realized that you wouldn't gut him for talking to you, he would have worn you down. He's got a way with words that I don't."

"And you just let him sweep me off my feet in this alternate reality?" I scoff.

That makes Gale laugh again, "Probably. By that point I'd be so frustrated that I would wish him the best and consider myself a lucky man."

I growl something obscene under my breath and give him my back. I can hear him muffling laughter into his furs. Once he's back under control, I hear him say, "If it makes you feel any better, I would have tried for years to change your mind before I gave up. Seriously though, you've never done that? Imagined that you're somewhere beside where you are to cope with the hand you've been dealt?"

I think about ignoring him, but it's kind of nice to have an easy conversation with him, even if it makes me feel uncomfortable, "No. I guess it seemed useless to imagine what if. Things are the way they are."

"Try it." He urges me, "Neither of us are going to get much sleep for a while and it's not like we could be doing anything right now anyway."

I lay back on my back and stare up at the ceiling. For the first time I let myself imagine what it would have been like if Prim's name hadn't been called. I think about what would have happened if Gale had told me he loved me or kissed me when there wasn't Peeta or the Capitol to consider, "I don't think anything would have been different until Prim turned nineteen. Even if I couldn't do anything for her, I wouldn't be able to move on until she was safe. I'd probably spend my days in the woods more, help mom to expand her business by finding the things she needed to make medicines."

"I could see that." Gale agrees.

"Someone would snap Prim up right away. She'd have had a secret beau and they'd run off to the justice building the day after the Games ended to get a license." I chuckle, "If you told me then, asked me to marry you once Prim was taken care of, I might have done it. We would have gotten our own little house in the Seam. Eventually, you would have talked me into a child, even though I don't want them. You'd push and push until we had one."

"Probably until we had two or three." He admitted, "If I was back where I had never been in war. Where I didn't know that Snow forced Finnick and some of the other victors to do the things they did and thought that everyone with money didn't understand suffering... I mean, our parents managed, and we would have made it without being Reaped when our odds were terrible. I would have kept after you until you agreed.

I smile, I knew him well, "I would have been okay with it... never happy, maybe, but okay."

"I don't know if I could settle for okay." Gale says. I finally look over at him and he's watching me, "I want it all. Okay wouldn't be enough."

"Then it would have ended badly."

"We would have fought a lot."

"All the time, probably." I agree, wryly, "Our poor kids."

We both let out a small chuckle. This honesty between us is refreshing, even if it's hard to say these things. A question jumps out of my mouth before I can stop it, "Do you wish we had never met? That you never talked to me or helped in the woods, that you had never kissed me? What if you had no idea what you were missing?"

"Well... that's a big one." Gale blows out a breath, "I don't wish it. I'm glad we're friends, Catnip, even if that's all we ever are. If we never had met, or if I had never loved you, I would have probably settled down with one of the other girls I've been with. I wouldn't have compared them to you. I would have been content."

The silence that falls between us is heavier than the last. I feel absurdly guilty that he can't love some other girl because he's caught up on me. It kills me to think about it, but I wish that I could let him have that.

"That was depressing. I guess I get why you never do this. You're smarter than me." Gale gives me a smile, "Honestly, if I could look down all the paths and find one where I was rich or happy or things were easier, I don't think I'd do it if it meant that we were never friends."

Warmth spreads through my chest, "Thanks Gale."

"So does that mean you're going to pick Peeta?" He asks, putting his hands behind his head, "If we make it out of this, are you two going to set up a little bakery somewhere?"

"If you two don't shut up, I swear I'm going to kill you both and then it won't matter." Cressida growls. I can hear Pollux's raspy laughter. The two of them have been listening to us.

I hold my breath until I hear Peeta's even breathing. He's still asleep. I can't imagine what he'd say if he heard us.

"Sorry guys." Gale replies, "We'll knock it off. Good night."

I can't do more than let out an embarrassed little grunt as I roll over and try to sleep. Even as I hear all of my companions drop back into sleep, I can't find the peace of sleep myself. I take a deep breath and try to relax. When I let it out, I find myself imagining the kind of life Gale had mentioned. Where Peeta had taken over trading with me from his dad. Where we were friends and then we were more. It was so normal.

I saw myself in the circle of his arms as he showed me how to roll out dough. I pictured him in the woods with a bow as I taught him to shoot animals instead of people. Right before I fell asleep, I imagine two children playing in the meadow. The girl is dancing, dark hair swinging behind her. When she looks at me, she has Peeta's eyes. Behind her a blonde boy with my eyes is struggling to keep up with her on chubby toddler legs. I can feel a pair of strong arms around my waist and smell the yeasty smell of bread mixed with the scent that is undeniably Peeta. For the first time in a long time, I remember what it's like to be happy.


End file.
